(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪ Hi, Delilah.

-What?

-It's Sal.

Love the new trainers.

They're the cat's meow.

(DELILAH PANTS) Oh.

(STUTTERING) Hi, Queenie.

Ooh.

Hey, Sal.

I ju...

I just finished.

Are you sure you don't want any more kneeler covers?

The Ladies Guild are very keen.

No.

What are these?

And at this meeting, I could at this late stage, agenda it.

What are these?

What are they?

You don't know?

(LAUGHING) They're... -They are hymn book covers.

-But we... Or candle mats or... -Ohh.

(SNICKERS) -(TUTS) Why?

What?

What is that?

Web of God.

Mrs. Ottery and Jan Pike.

They're both dead now, so... Could come down.

Could have a new wall hanging.

No.

Thank you.

-Hello.

-SAL: Hello.

Eileen.

Vicar.

Off to the meeting, Eileen?

Yes, yes.

Will we see you?

I'll pop in, just to give out the prescriptions.

-Oh, we do need new blood.

-SAL: Hmm.

In fact, the, the membership have asked me to approach you.

But I know you're very busy.

I just don't think it's really my scene.

Well, it's not all jam and Jerusalem, as they say.

But not your scene.

(CHUCKLES) Fine.

Oh, that new wall hanging -looks totally gorgeous!

-Insane.

Here, patch up before Baby Jesus hears you.

Thank you.

Yes, I can fit you in on Wednesday morning.

Now, what's the problem?

No, I'm not a doctor but you may as well tell me now because I'm going to know anyway.

I have access, if you know what I mean.

Esther Pickle, right.

That will be under C for Cystitis.

It was cystitis you came in to us last for, wasn't it?

Yes, I am the all-knowing.

MIKE: Sal!

Ah.

Hello, how are you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

Filled a little bottle for you.

Oh.

Gosh, you've filled it up to the top.

I couldn't stop.

Needed a bigger bottle, really.

There you go.

Got the wrong bloody notes.

Is that not the man with the polyps?

Oh, I love that word, "polyp."

-MIKE: No!

-Oh, hello.

Is it itchy anus?

Is it an itchy anus?

Can you close the door?

I'm seeing a patient.

No, you're not.

(TELEPHONE RINGS) Hi.

Hi.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hi, Dad.

Dad?

Hi.

(TOILET FLUSHES) Mum, can you look after Raph tomorrow morning 'cause I've got poi class that I, like, have to do.

We've been booked for the chill-out tent, the big green?

Ooh!

They're still looking for a first aider if you wanna come.

No, I don't, I don't think so, dear.

I don't mind the small festivals, you know, when it's just a bit of rescue cream on a roach burn or a hug, when someone has a whitey after a bit of Moroccan skunk.

Mum, don't bring that up again.

I told you, it was not the skunk.

-Oh.

-The skunk was good.

Rufus gave me the skunk.

I was sick because of the jackety potatoey cheesy beansy thing that I had.

We're going to the hall, take these prescriptions down to the Guild.

Patients come to the surgery.

It's not a delivery service.

They don't come anymore because you've frightened them all off.

Oh, look.

I got my new phlebotomy arm today.

I'm gonna take it down to the meeting, show the ladies.

Show 'em how to shoot up, do us all a favor.

Hey, Raph, I'm gonna be the new village bloodletter.

-Whoo!

-Village vampire.

The only thing you will be trained in.

Oh, shut up.

MIKE: Last time you went on a course was 1972.

There isn't a course on what I do well, Mike, -which is giving a... -(TELEPHONE RINGS) Surgery.

Oh, that's nasty, yeah.

Yeah, you see that's a suppository, not a pessary.

You put it in the wrong bit.

Are you going to the Guild meeting?

What?

The meeting.

You'll have to tell me who you are, I can't turn my neck.

It's Queenie.

I was going to buy a tomato.

Goodbye.

How many chairs?

Oh!

(SIGHS) Me, Queenie, Caroline, Rosie, Susie, Delilah if she makes it, Sal and Tip, but they won't stay and, uh...

Uh, Hazel, Doreen, Maude, and Mary.

-Hello!

-Hi.

I'm afraid I've got this one with me today because I can't do everything.

Oh, fine.

Annie Stanford?

Oh, no, her mobility scooter was side swiped by the log lorry coming out of the Lamb & Flag.

Her family have got her.

Probably for the best.

Sit down.

(SIGHS) Do your homework.

Now I had some hundreds and thousands here somewhere but I'll be damned if I can find them now.

Come on, books.

And not the iPod.

EILEEN: There's no room over there.

You need any help?

(CHUCKLES) No, no.

Bad luck on the speaker again, I'm afraid.

-Oh, no.

-You got any ideas?

Well, no-- (GASPS) Hello, Rosie.

Margaret's done something very bad.

EILEEN: Oh, dear.

CAROLINE: iPod out.

It'll be alright, my lovey.

-Come in, come in.

-Books on table.

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Hi.

Shop bought.

Only the icing.

Sorry.

Thank you, love.

There you are, Sal.

-(LAUGHING) Oh, my!

-Oh!

-Did you see the arm?

-Ooh, what is it?

-Phlebotomy practice.

-Fascinating.

You know, I'm sure people would like to hear about this.

Right.

-Caroline.

-Huh?

These are for you.

And I've checked.

-Everything's up to date.

-Is she?

What, the measles and MMMR, and everything?

Oh.

You see, you are up to date with the MMMR.

I thought I told you that.

CAROLINE: You didn't tell me that.

-Oh, shut up.

-(MUMBLES) Oh, God.

-Some tea?

-Thank you.

This isn't the whole computer, is it?

No.

I should keep an eye on Rosie.

I think Margaret's been giving her a bit of trouble today.

SAL: Oh, dear.

SUSIE: You've got so much to do.

CAROLINE: I have.

I've got the whole thing to do.

John's never there.

Just let me know if I can ever be any help, -you know, with the pick up.

-CAROLINE: Hmm.

I'm always doing a school run, always.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

If I'm in the Mercedes with the seats down, there's room for one more.

Always.

Always on the road, always got some kids in the back.

Well, Tuesday would be quite good, with the bus.

Can't do Tuesdays.

Oh, that's a bugger.

Bugger.

(COUGHS AND CHOKES) Help needed, Sal.

(COUGHS) Oh, dear.

Oh, I am so sorry.

-Oh, you're hopeless.

-It's alright.

It just... the cake's delicious, really.

Flew, flew out.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Sorry.

Ooh.

Oh.

-Here's your prescription.

-What?

In your pocket.

-Prescription.

-Thank you.

-There we are.

-Oh, no, she's looking at me.

She's coming toward me, she's gonna say something to me now.

-She's probably gonna speak-- -SAL: Now, Rosie.

Yeah, she's spoken.

Right, well, I know Eileen said something to you, but what's not been happening, right, is that I have been taking my red and orange pills, I haven't flushed those down the lavvy.

Have you put your pills down the toilet again?

Yeah, I have, yeah.

Yeah, my son didn't nick 'em.

I haven't had the police round, no.

Did the police come around?

Yeah, it's all been a big mistake.

And now Margaret's very, very upset about it.

-Is she here?

-Yeah, she's over there.

-Go and get her, I want a word.

-Alright.

ROSIE: I'm gonna get Margaret.

Oh, no, Margaret's not coming, is she?

We're starting.

Please stay.

Oh, talk to yourself.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Right, what the hell is going on here?

-SAL: Margaret, I want to talk to you.

-No, I am not speaking to you.

-You're upsetting her.

-You've been speaking to Rosie.

-SAL: I want you to look at me.

-How dare you?

-Shut up.

Down.

-ROSIE: Right.

SAL: Now stay there until Rosie gets back.

(SIGHS) Right, now, ladies.

Speakers.

(CLEARS THROAT) Unfortunately, Bob Holness -has apparently left the area.

-(MUMBLING) So, uh, he probably never even got our letter.

-Uh, Hannah Gordon has been approached for the next meeting.

-TIP: Oh I hate her.

EILEEN: Which as usual will take place on the second Wednesday of the month, unless it's a Thursday when the month is shorter and on that month it might be replaced by a ramble due to daylight saving.

ROSIE: Right, Sal.

-Oh!

Rosie's back.

-ROSIE: Yay!

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah.

Whoo!

Right as rain.

EILEEN: Oh, lovely, Rosie.

Lovely to see you, dear.

Sit down.

Now then... -Time for a quick half.

-SAL: And the rest.

Promise me you'll kill me if I ever relent and join the Guild.

I'll kill you and I'll knit you a coffin.

Now, second item, outings.

Trago Mills.

Oh, good idea.

Noted, Rosie.

-Thank you.

-Not Trago Mills again.

Any other suggestions at all?

Another idea would be Trago Mills.

-(LIVELY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) -(SCATTING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, no, that's so creepy.

Ugh.

Get it off.

Get it off.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Get if off me, you dirty little thing, you!

(LAUGHING) TIP: Show Mike the arm.

That's funny.

Come on.

His light's still on.

Dr. Vine?

Husband of mine?

Oh, he's asleep.

Give him a poke there, come on.

(TIP GIGGLING) SAL: Shweetie, coochie boy!

(MUMBLING AFFECTIONATELY) Hello.

(IN A CHILDLIKE VOICE) Mikey, do you want a little drag?

(KISSES) Mikey?

-Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

-TIP: What?

-What?

-Come over here and help me.

Get him up.

Get him on the floor.

-I think he's had a heart attack.

-Oh, God.

Right, um, okay, down on the floor, yeah?

-Yeah, okay.

Right.

-Right?

Oh, yeah, I have him, I have him, yeah and... Ooh!

Oh, my God!

I'm stuck.

God!

God!

Get him... Get him off me!

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

Oh!

Get him over, get him over, come on.

Um, roll him over.

Yeah, onto his back.

Come on.

-SAL: Get him in the recovery position.

-TIP: That's it, that's it.

Now, that's it.

-Pulse?

-Pulse?

Pulse?

-No pulse.

-Gosh, we're gonna have to do CPR.

Oh, you take the mouth.

Get the Ambu bag.

Ambu bag.

Ambu bag.

What does the Ambu bag look like?

SAL: The tube, little girdle tube.

-TIP: Ambu bag.

Ambu bag.

-Come on, baby.

Okay, got it.

-Now... Now... -Okay.

Right.

Right.

Right, um, it's says seven, um, two, what, one, no... Five, two, three.

Um... -Come on!

-What-what is it?

-Um...

It's 15!

It's 15!

-It's a song, it's a song.

-A song.

Okay.

-Okay, it's a song.

Okay.

BOTH: ♪ Nellie the elephant packed her trunk ♪ ♪ And said goodbye to the circus ♪ ♪ Off she went with a trumpety-trump ♪ ♪ Trump, trump, trump ♪ SAL: One, two... Oh!

Come on, Mike.

Come on!

(BOTH PANTING) Get the ambulance.

Get the ambulance, okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) VICAR: ♪ All things bright and beautiful ♪ ♪ All creatures great and small... ♪ Don't worry.

He was dead before we killed him.

-Was he?

-Yes.

In fact, in fact, he killed himself, with bad health.

♪ The Lord God made them all... ROSIE (VOCALIZING): ♪ All ♪ ♪ All ♪ (VOCALIZING CONTINUES) (COUGHING) I painted that.

Sit down and shut up.

Sit.

Sit.

Please be seated.

-I am the resurrection and the life... -Tash?

-VICAR: ...said the Lord -The coffin's very tight.

Couldn't you get one in your father's size?

If the people of this town recycled more, then he could have had a bigger one.

As it was, I've had to supplement the cardboard with rolled oats.

So it's biodegrading?

Fantastic.

VICAR: We give You thanks and praise, Almighty Father, that You sent Your Son to die, and raised Him from the dead for the salvation of us all.

Lord, hear us.

Th-that's you, your bit.

The response.

(SIGHS) It's in the bold print on the sheet.

Idiots.

It's what you say.

ALL: Lord... -Bold print, bold print.

-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (SIGHS) (MUSIC NOTE SCREECHES) I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

From the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, verse 5.

"To everything there is a season--" ♪ Turn, turn, turn ♪ VICAR: No responses.

"And a time for every purpose under heaven."

♪ Turn, turn, turn ♪ I'm not going on unless you stop.

-Right.

-VICAR: Alright.

-"A time to be born--" -Amen.

No, I've already said... (BONGO DRUM BEATING) (CELL PHONE RINGS) (BEATING CONTINUES) (MOUTHS) Wow!

(CLATTERS) Thank you, Jesus.

(COUGHING) Thanks.

Thank...

Uh, thanks very much.

Um, if you want to see us again, we'll be, uh, supporting the Ozric Tentacles at the Live Earth festival.

(WOMAN COUGHING) (COUGHING CONTINUES) I think my father would have been pleased to see so many familiar faces, friends, and patients here today.

As you may know, I'm taking over the practice and I hope to see you all soon.

Or not, actually, unless you are sick uh, in which case I do hope you well.

I hope to continue to uphold the standards set by my father.

(LAUGHS) Or-or, indeed, start afresh.

And my wife is looking forward to taking over as practice nurse.

And now is not the time to go into details, but I'll be posting the new surgery hours on the door in about a week's time when we're hoping to reopen.

Basically, it'll be 8:30 till 12:30, Tuesday to Saturday and Monday... -(SLOW ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) -(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (MUSIC CONTINUES) No, no.

No.

Leave the coffin.

Just... Bring the hearse up to the door.

ROSIE: Oh, the husband's totally dead, isn't he?

He's completely dead now, it's quite sad.

Come on now, Rosie.

Yeah, 'cause you're a widow now.

-You're completely widowed.

-Shh.

I've got something for you.

There's cheese for remembrance.

Cheese... ♪ Take my hand, my dear ♪ ♪♪ We know that the time it is near ♪ ♪ Be strong and be brave, my dear ♪ ♪ Let me go now ♪ ♪♪ Let me go ♪ (DOORBELL DINGS) (WHINING) (DOORBELL DINGING) (WHINING CONTINUES) -Hello.

-Oh, hello.

Kate Bales.

-Yes?

-Grieving group.

I thought you might like a visit.

I know people tend to drop off about this sort of time.

Grieving group?

So...

So... (CHUCKLES) How's it going?

Hmm?

I'm doing okay.

-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) -Stage three.

Is it?

Depression.

Oh, I'm not depressed.

Yeah.

No, no, you are.

Uh, you see... Hmm.

-You see, you've had shock.

-SAL: Yes.

Um, and then anger/denial.

So, so, now depression and, and then euphoria.

And, and then melancholy.

I think I've skipped a few.

I think I'm on melancholy.

Uh, no, you can't do that.

You have to do it in the right order.

Ah.

Have you made death a color yet?

No.

No.

Oh.

(VOICE BREAKING) Tears can be healing.

(SOBBING) SAL: Oh... Alright, Kate, alright.

Oh... Oh, you're not a widow.

Yes.

SAL: Oh, I'm so sorry.

(KISSES) Oh!

Oh, Kate.

Oh, and you're so young.

Well, thank you.

It must be so hard for you.

KATE: Hmm.

(SNIFFLES) Mike was thinking about retiring anyway.

-But not dying.

-Oh, no, no.

No.

I can't get off euphoria.

Oh.

Aw.

Ohh.

Ohh.

I didn't like him very much, you see.

Oh, so you've got the guilt thing as well.

Yes.

Yes.

And the problem is, that's not a step.

How long has it been?

Five years.

-Five years?

-KATE: Yes.

Five years?

Yes.

And two months.

(SNIFFLES) Right.

I want you to take this home and I want you to grieve for one hour every day.

Just one hour and then get out there and get on with your life.

-Right, yes.

-Good girl.

Yes, okay, yes, because... Because I've had maladaptive coping and-and-and now I've got to adaptably learn to cope with my grief.

Just get a haircut.

And a new top.

-Oh, thank you!

-It's okay.

Oh!

No, I'm just taking the bad ends off.

So, uh, how are things at the surgery?

Oh, great.

Oh.

Actually, they're not.

They're terrible.

They've made me refile everything under names, so now I don't know who's got what, and I've no stories for ya.

I don't want to talk about it.

So, have you been on any holidays recently?

Yes, my husband died and everybody sent me to Coventry.

It's like everybody's trying to avoid me.

They all ask about you.

Oh, yes, they ask you about me.

They don't ask me about me.

Oh, come on, you know what they're like.

-They're embarrassed.

-(SCOFFS) Anyway, you can go and see them.

(SCOFFS) TIP: I have all of the prescriptions for the Guild, you could come with me.

Why would I wanna go and see them when they don't wanna come and see me?

Well, no, actually you're right.

You're right.

You should just stay here sleeping in the dog basket because you look so well on it and you're doing so great.

This is tough love, by the way.

Now, you just pull yourself together, woman.

EILEEN: Hello.

Attention, please.

Thank you.

If anybody has got any of those white, rubber, uh, Poverty is History bangles, could they please give them to Queenie?

Because she is gonna be recycling them as mug grippers for oldies.

Thank you, Queenie.

Now then, go on talking, go on.

Another couple of minutes.

-(BLOWS) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) You were at Madonna's for the weekend?

Well, no, not the whole weekend, don't be silly.

No, no, no, we had to get back for the dogs.

It was really just the evening, but it was because of Mikey, really, you know.

The one who's in the pop band.

-Eh, rock band.

Not a pop band.

-Rock band.

Sorry.

And he's great mates with them, of course, with Madonna and, um, her husband Ritchie.

-Guy.

Hmm.

-Hmm.

-We had a lovely evening.

-Did you?

-I was quite surprised.

-Yeah?

-We had a lovely evening until Sting played the lute.

-Oh.

Right now, ladies.

Attention, please.

Let's open the meeting.

I'd like to welcome you all to this month's meeting.

And, of course, lest we forget, this month is our big push for new members.

And while we're on the subject of new members, I would like to welcome on your behalf, Katie, who has come to join us today.

She's just coming out of her bereavement.

Welcome to you.

ROSIE: Is your husband dead?

-KATE: Yes.

-Yeah.

EILEEN: Now then, back to the push.

We've got to get this inter web running.

And, Rosie, I believe that you offered to write a little advertisement for us.

-Yes.

-EILEEN: Did you?

Have you written the words, darling?

-ROSIE: Yeah, I have.

Yes.

-EILEEN: Would you like to read them?

ROSIE: I'm walking up towards her now.

She's got all the medals all over her bazookas.

That's it.

Right.

I used a dictionary, so it's a little bit posh.

"We are Clatterford St. Mary Ladies Guild, "and from small beginnings we are steadily shrunk, and is now looking to swell our ranks..." -Swell our ranks.

It's good.

-That's very good, go on.

"From all shades of the female community."

-Aw.

-That's, that's the end.

(MUMBLES) -Rosie, that's very, very, very good, dear.

-Thank you.

-(APPLAUSE) -Very good, Rosie.

Thank you, Rosie, for that.

That's lovely.

Hello, Sal.

Hi.

Hi.

I'd like to join.

-(EILEEN GASPS) -She wants to join.

(ALL CHATTERING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Oh, yeah.

Goodness me, how nice.

(MOUTHS) Oh.

EILEEN: Right.

Now, come on, ladies, come on.

Let's have a little bit less excitement.

Settle down, please.

Thank you.

Now, now, onto the second part of our meeting, which is speakers.

Now, unfortunately... Um, Hannah Gordon cannot be with us this afternoon.

Apparently, she's got some work, so... Do you ever get any speakers, Eileen?

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) Yes, we do, actually.

We do, Sal.

We do.

We do.

We do get speakers.

And in fact, today, we have got the third part of Pauline's talk with slides, of, yes, you've guessed it, Life Behind the Scenes At Lidls.

So now, come on, Pauline, take it away, my dear.

You see, Sal, we do get speakers.

Now, this is your first meeting so, please...

Okay, sorry.

Do I get to wear one of those necklaces now that I've joined?

Don't push it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to... -(SOFTLY) She's very touchy.

-She's sensitive.

CAROLINE: I know.

It's what I'm saying.

PAULINE: So, where did I get to?

Well, canned goods are stacked by the people what's known as stackers.

-Stackers?

-Okay?

Canned multi-pack goods, they're delivered in bulk to door six.

Whereupon, night shift workers, they do what we call splitting.

ROSIE: Oh, splitting.

PAULINE: This involves the removal-- Oh, uh, just a minute, Pauline, just a moment, please.

Yes, Sal?

I know it's my first meeting but am I allowed to make a suggestion?

Oh, no, love, you-you can't make a suggestion, it has to be a motion.

Okay, I'll-I'll make a motion.

-Yes?

-I think we all need a drink.

-In the pub.

-Oh, God, I need a drink.

No, Delilah, you can't be first out of the post like that.

Ladies, this would be very, very unconstitutional.

It is.

Now, come on...

I shall need a show of hands.

I knew that would happen.

I knew that would happen.

My goodness me.

Right.

Ooh.

Right.

Mine's a Bénédictine.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) You get on, Pauline.

-Right.

-I wanna see what happens at the end.

Right.

-Ooh!

-That's there... -ROSIE: Yeah?

-PAULINE: ...that's trolleys.

ROSIE: Are they special trolleys?

PAULINE: Yeah, they're special trolleys.

-But you've gotta be very careful.

-Yeah.

-Made of metal?

-Yes.

But you gotta be very, very careful, you see... -Yeah.

Yeah.

-...when you're pulling them.

-There should be two of you pulling them.

-Yeah.

-But sometimes-- -What, for safety?

-For safety, yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

But sometimes there isn't two of me to do it.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-And then you've gotta be careful.

-Yeah.

-(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Yeah.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) -Ooh!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Yes.

And look, look there's some wooden things up there.

-You can call them pallets.

-A pallet?

-Yes.

Yes.

-Right.

Right.

And is this where the...

Were the vans back in there?

-Yeah that's where they-- -Oh, I wanted to see that!