(CAR HORN) VOICEOVER (VO): The nation's favorite celebrities...

It's not worth a tenner.

VO: ..paired up with an expert... You're learning.

VO: ..and a classic car.

This is very exciting, isn't it?

It is.

VO: Their mission, to scour Britain for antiques.

Got a nice ring to it.

VO: The aim, to make the biggest profit at auction.

Come on.

VO: But it's no easy ride.

RICHARD: Brake.

DOMINIC: I can't!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

I hope I don't live to regret this.

VO: Take the biggest risk?

We've definitely got a problem.

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

You'd never catch me buying anything like that.

VO: There will be worthy winners... (THEY CHEER) VO: ..and valiant losers.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

VO: Put your pedal to the metal.

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah.

VO: Today, our famous faces will be mostly making it up as they go along.

Something they're really rather good at.

Well, this is very exciting, isn't it?

It is!

PAUL MERTON: I'm driving this vintage car.

You know when people say things were better in the old days?

They're lying.

VO: Yes, that's deadpan doyen Paul Merton behind the wheel.

And in the equally uncomfortable Mark One Cortina passenger seat, his wife and fellow comic improviser, Suki Webster.

SUKI: You are folded up a bit like a paperclip.

Nobody was my height in 1964.

No, they were all three foot two back then.

They were.

You could fit them in the glove compartment.

VO: Paul, from Merton - it's where he acquired his nom de plume - is one of Britain's best loved writers and comedians.

He's also made TV films about some of his favorite subjects.

PAUL: Suki, you're getting overexcited again.

Have you had a cappuccino this morning?

SUKI: I have.

PAUL: Oh, my dear Lord!

VO: Suki is an improv maestra, as well as an actor, writer and director.

Plus, the couple have previously gone camping for our telly entertainment, so a jaunt around Kent should be well within their capabilities.

We kind of met on a road trip, didn't we?

PAUL: That's right.

SUKI: 20 years ago next year.

PAUL: Yes.

Doesn't seem like it, does it?

(SIGHS) No... Leave it there.

Leave it there.

VO: Good idea.

Of course, Paul and Suki's big antiques outing will be aided and abetted by a pair of bona fide experts in the shape of Charles Hanson and Margie Cooper.

We could improvise like they do.

Improvise?

Is that what you're gonna do?

CHARLES: Have I got news for Paul Merton?

Give me a line.

Have I got news?

What is Paul Merton gonna want?

What would he want?

Shall we improvise antiques?

But you know, often they just don't have a clue, do they?

VO: Hey, mind your specs.

Why don't we improvise?

Let's pretend we're husband and wife, you and I.

It's very difficult to keep cool and calm with you in the bloomin' place.

I could be your toy boy.

Margie, where are you going?

VO: Needs work, I'd say.

And improvising, of course, is something you often have to do when classic cars are involved.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS) Oh... That doesn't sound good!

PAUL: Is that a good sound?

SUKI: No!

PAUL: We've stalled.

Try it one more time cuz we don't want to flood the engine.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS) No, it's not doing it.

Push it into there?

PAUL: Yeah, into there.

I think that's a good idea.

Yeah, hang on.

VO: See?

Thinking on their feet.

PAUL: There's a few nettles here.

VO: Ah, well, I'm pretty sure you couldn't actually push a recreational vehicle.

So the Cortina does have one plus point, at least.

We'll get it repaired so that they won't end up pushing it all the way to Snodland.

But they'll start out in Teynham.

Deep in the North Kent fruit belt and close to both the Saxon Shore footpath and the Chatham Mainline at Wildwinds Antiques Emporium.

And somewhere in here amongst all the antiques and vintage items on display lurk their experts.

PAUL: Hi, Margie!

Paul.

Hello.

MARGIE: Hello, Paul.

Oh, you don't need to introduce yourself.

I watch you all the time.

PAUL: Do you?

MARGIE: I do.

I don't do refunds.

Make that clear straight from the top.

MARGIE: So do you wander round antique shops?

Erm...

I've been around a few, yeah.

I mean, in the past.

Not for a long while.

I don't know anything about antiques particularly.

I don't particularly like jewelry and small little objects.

I like quirky stuff.

So do I.

But I don't know how well quirky will do in an auction.

MARGIE: It does.

PAUL: Does it?

But it's finding quirky at the right price.

PAUL: Yes.

So it's quirky.

If it's a bit too odd, does that put people off?

MARGIE: I don't think it does.

PAUL: No?

MARGIE: We do look for quirky.

PAUL: OK, good.

There is so much here that's quite... Oh, I've just seen a picture of my friend, Nicholas Parsons.

So I'll have to go and see what that is.

VO: Well, what are the chances?

MARGIE: Oh, there, I see... PAUL: Yes, look... MARGIE: ..his little face.

Yes.

It's a sort of collage...thing.

PAUL: Oh, 500 quid.

MARGIE: Yeah.

For that money, you could have bought Nicholas Parsons.

Yeah, and it's not an antique, is it?

PAUL: So... MARGIE: No.

PAUL: I take it as a good sign, as an omen.

Yeah, he's with us.

Exactly.

Exactly.

VO: So expect the sale of the century.

How about our other contestants?

SUKI: Charles?

CHARLES: Suki, how are you?

SUKI: Very well!

CHARLES: Great to see you.

So I'm looking already for...you know, for the treasure, the clutter, the antiques, the collectables.

What do you collect?

SUKI: I like pretty.

CHARLES: Yeah, yeah.

SUKI: I like functional.

CHARLES: Yeah.

But no, I'm not a huge shopper, to be honest.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, no, it's gonna be good.

So basically, there's all sorts of objects...

I like your jacket, by the way.

Thank you.

I bought it new for this.

It's like the blue and white of the willow pattern.

It's lovely.

Yes, I could be Wedgwood.

Anyway, it's just what takes your eye.

Whatever you think...

I'm already looking at the hat boxes.

Oh, well done.

SUKI: They look lovely.

CHARLES: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gosh, we're shopping already... VO: About time too.

CHARLES: Anyway, this is quite nice.

You've got this leather, almost exotic finish.

It's a 1940s hatbox and it says "with hat".

Oh, it is with hat?

CHARLES: Hold on.

Let's click it open... CHARLES: Oh, look at that!

SUKI: Oh.

If you're driving with Paul, a little beret.

SUKI: That's quite Brief Encounter.

SUKI: Can I try it on?

CHARLES: Yeah, course you can.

Here we go... CHARLES: Do you know, I think this is now game, set and match.

SUKI: Oh, look at that!

That really suits you.

Yeah...

Right, what's this one?

CHARLES: You've then got... SUKI: (GASPS) CHARLES: ..a sort of... SUKI: Oh, I've got half an emu.

CHARLES: ..decadent and deco.

VO: Tres chic.

I like... Do you know what, I like it.

You know, this is a fanfare.

VO: (SING-SONG) Suki takes it off again.

CHARLES: I love the finish.

How much is it?

What would you pay for it?

SUKI: I don't think I would go much above 70, 80, something like that.

Well, I would say if you were wanting a soft landing, it's £40.

Oh, well, that's good!

That is not a bad first spot.

And you've never done this before?

SUKI: No.

CHARLES: Well... SUKI: Never done this before.

CHARLES: I'm impressed.

VO: Encouraging start.

Back to Margie and Paul.

PAUL: Now, this is something quite nice.

I won't tell you what the price is first of all.

A musical sewing table...

There's nothing musical in there though, is there?

MARGIE: Hang on... (NOTE CHIMES) Oop!

It's going to wind, isn't it?

(MUSIC PLAYS) Well, that's quite nice, isn't it?

Oh!

VO: Italian marquetry.

MARGIE: Look at the work in that.

PAUL: Yeah.

MARGIE: All inlaid.

MARGIE: You bought that on holiday, and you brought that home with you... PAUL: Yes.

I've got the price here, I've hidden it.

But what would you say...?

Oh, no, he's testing me now.

PAUL: Yeah.

MARGIE: Has somebody put, like...95 on that?

That's not bad, 115.

So what age is this, do you think?

MARGIE: That is, I would think 1920, something like that.

PAUL: Right.

I suppose they get a bit annoying after a while?

MARGIE: Very annoying.

PAUL: Oh, dear.

PAUL: I wish I hadn't gone near it now.

PAUL: Let's walk away... MARGIE: (LAUGHS) Yeah... PAUL: ..from this musical interlude.

MARGIE: Absolutely.

VO: No sale.

What's become very popular in the last 10 or 20 years... PAUL: Yes?

MARGIE: ..this kind of stuff.

Oh, right, OK. MARGIE: It's a Scandinavian style that came in in the '60s and '70s.

I mean, look how well-made it is.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

So what exactly is it?

MARGIE: It's a sideboard.

PAUL: It's a sideboard?

OK. MARGIE: Put your knives and forks in there.

PAUL: Yeah, lovely.

MARGIE: Yeah, but it's £900, which is more than if you were looking for a Georgian chest.

PAUL: (SADLY) Yes, I've spent my life looking for a Georgian chest.

VO: As I'm sure has Mick.

No sign of anyone buying anything from him just yet, though.

Here we are, Suki, some silver.

SUKI: Very nice.

CHARLES: You know, people love silver.

It's small, it's compact.

Yes.

You've got hallmarks on things.

So everything we can date to a year, if it's English silver.

SUKI: So what would be the oldest thing in here?

I would say probably that there.

SUKI: Oh, a soup ladle?

Not, not for soup.

Any ideas?

SUKI: A sparrow bath?

CHARLES: Excuse me?

(LAUGHS) I mean, you held it out and little sparrow... ..takes its bath there.

Do you know, it's really interesting.

I've never in my life heard of a sparrow bath.

OK, one more guess.

SUKI: Oh, poach egg, you could poach an egg in it!

Basically, it packs a punch.

That's a clue.

SUKI: A punch ladle!

CHARLES: A punch ladle.

CHARLES: 10 years before Nelson died, this was packing a punch.

A big mixing bowl...

So Jane Austen might be there...

Absolutely.

..serving punch?

Yeah.

During the season?

Yeah.

Doesn't that make you get a romance for history?

Yeah, I love history.

I'm not good at it... CHARLES: No, no... Yeah.

SUKI: ..but I know little bits.

CHARLES: It isn't hallmarked and it could be yours for £85.

It's a beautiful thing, but I can't imagine people buying it.

CHARLES: Would your sparrows bathe in there?

Well, no, I made up a sparrow bath, just so you know.

It doesn't exist.

I just...

I just visualize things and say it out loud.

CHARLES: Yeah... VO: He's quite disappointed.

Moving on.

Anything else in there you like?

I do like the picture frame.

And I'm guessing that that one is a 1920s.

SUKI: It's got a 1920s... CHARLES: Oh, yes.

SUKI: ..style picture in it, hasn't it?

CHARLES: It's what you might call a flapper girl.

SUKI: Ah!

CHARLES: And there she is.

She's dressed in what I think is art deco costume.

But what's... SUKI: She's quite cheeky, isn't she?

She's showing a bit of ankle, and back then, that was quite racy.

CHARLES: Exactly.

This is a Birmingham silver frame of 1901.

Oh, so that's earlier than I thought.

Art nouveau.

So it's 20 or so years before that flapper girl appears.

SUKI: Yes.

CHARLES: What a lovely object.

And that would be beautiful for a wedding photo or something.

SUKI: Wouldn't it?

CHARLES: It would.

Yeah.

So it's quite practical as well.

With you and Paul in there.

Capturing a style.

SUKI: Yes!

CHARLES: You know.

I could be holding a beach ball like that.

CHARLES: Nice object.

It could be yours for £85.

That's not a lot of money.

The only thing is, that easel back is later, but that bellflower border is delightful.

Mental note.

VO: I think we're getting somewhere.

MARGIE: Hmm... Oh, this might be of interest.

An autograph book.

I used to have an autograph book when I was younger.

MARGIE: Did you?

PAUL: Laurence Olivier... ..signature, it says.

Hang on.

MARGIE: So where's Larry, then?

PAUL: Best wishes, Beryl Orde.

O-R-D-E. VO: Star of The Dummy Talks, 1943.

There's Laurence Olivier...1937.

MARGIE: When he was married to Vivien Leigh.

Which was a bit tumultuous.

It was indeed.

But that's kind of it, I think.

VO: He could always add his own.

PAUL: 36 quid.

MARGIE: Yeah... PAUL: Don't think so, no...

I thought it would be more exciting than that.

Well, yeah, but you know, well spotted.

VO: Still no luck.

Suki, meanwhile, has decided against that hatbox, but her picture frame is under consideration, and she might well snap this up.

SUKI: I think that's a gorgeous thing.

Would it still work, or...?

So it's a Kodak folding camera in a leather case.

It's obviously on a catch there somehow.

It's shut, just... Ready?

Three, two, one...and it goes in.

VO: Whoops!

SUKI: Nearly goes.

CHARLES: Yeah.

SUKI: This is where your expertise comes in, because I would be too scared to handle it.

How early is it, would you say...?

Is it '50s?

If I would have guessed, I would have said '40s.

Yeah, I agree.

Maybe slightly earlier.

SUKI: And where do you think the viewfinder is?

Where do you look through?

Is that the viewfinder?

CHARLES: I think it is.

SUKI: I see you through there.

VO: He's never camera shy, our Charles.

SUKI: I, well... Yeah.

CHARLES: Breathe in, Hanson... SUKI: Say cheese!

CHARLES: It's good...

Cheese!

CHARLES: If you were sort of... ..giving me a line from the 1940s, what would you say?

We're going live in five, four...three, two, one, action.

(WITH TRANSATLANTIC ACCENT) Oh, George.

Don't head to the war without me.

Take me with you.

I'll be keeping the home fires burning.

I'll warm my cocoa as I burn your home.

George, George, chocks away!

CHARLES: (CHUCKLES) That's very good.

VO: Yes, for a stills camera.

Now, I think we're gonna have to get your best Tommy Cooper.

(IMITATES TOMMY COOPER) Just like that.

Just like that.

VO: Never mind the Fez!

Let's get those buying hats on.

Cabinet.

This looks a nice cabinet, doesn't it?

PAUL: Oh, now, that's an interesting figure.

That's quite charming, isn't it?

MARGIE: Very stylish, isn't it?

PAUL: Shall we have a look?

MARGIE: Ah, the 1920s, eh?

PAUL: Yes.

MARGIE: She's nice, isn't she?

VO: Flapper-style, but '70s manufactured.

She's called Chelsea.

Finest bone china figurines produced from... Is that Worcester...?

Yeah.

PAUL: Yeah, yeah.

MARGIE: Fire devastated the factory, and so they don't make them anymore.

So I think that's rather lovely, that.

I mean, that's...that's something I would buy myself.

Well, that's it then.

We've cracked it.

OK. Alright, has it got a price on it?

Yeah.

I'm holding it in my hand.

PAUL: Alright.

MARGIE: 45.

So if he gives us a deal on that...

Yes.

What do you think...?

Can that be our first...?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

We should go for 30, something like...?

No... (MUMBLES) ..25?

VO: Speak up, Margie.

MARGIE: We've got to be very careful.

I don't want it breaking on the way to... No, no, no.

Shall I put it back for now?

MARGIE: Yeah.

VO: They've found something at last.

PAUL: Bizarre identity parade.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) MARGIE: It is, isn't it?

PAUL: I can see Goldilocks walking along here saying "it was his porridge I ate".

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) PAUL: Ah, now... PAUL: This might be something.

MARGIE: Does it work?

(HONKS HORN) It's a collector's item, that.

PAUL: Yeah, it says 35.

MARGIE: Mm...

If I could whittle that down a bit... PAUL: Deluxe is what it says on here.

MARGIE: So would that be... on the outside of a car?

I suppose it must have been.

MARGIE: Frighten all the old ladies.

PAUL: Yeah... (HONKS HORN) Oh.

MARGIE: (CHUCKLES) Oh.

That'd warn you, wouldn't it?

MARGIE: It certainly would.

PAUL: (HONKS HORN) That's quite fun, that.

MARGIE: If they don't honk, don't buy it.

PAUL: No, exactly.

VO: Sage advice.

Well, you were probably only going about 20mph at the time.

Yes, but that would soon... (HONKS HORN) ..shift you, wouldn't it?

OK, well, that's a potential.

VO: Time to honk the honk.

PAUL: Ah, Mick... We met before.

Yeah, we have met before.

I'm good with names.

You haven't got a price tag on you, can I buy you?

Oh, you certainly can.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) PAUL: Oh, fantastic.

We've seen a figurine over there, which is very nice.

A sort of 1920s look to it.

Yeah, yeah.

I know the one.

Price tag on it is 45... Oh, I'm a great admirer of you.

PAUL: Yeah, that's it.

MICK: But...

This sounds like a no, doesn't it?

I'll tell you how we'll do it.

PAUL: Yeah.

MICK: It's £45 on that.

MARGIE: Yeah.

PAUL: Yeah.

MICK: There were six of those altogether, right.

The others got bought by another dealer.

The reason is - that has such a respectable price - is because it's got two fingers missing.

PAUL: Yes.

MICK: So because it's you... MARGIE: Bottom line?

MICK: 25 smackerenas.

25.

Brilliant.

OK, yes, that's fantastic.

PAUL: Thank you very much.

MICK: You're very welcome.

PAUL: Brilliant.

MARGIE: Next... Next.

Um, so the other thing we saw was a car horn... MICK: Oh, yeah.

PAUL: ..hanging up over there.

So that was on at 35.

What do you think your best price could be on that?

What about another 25 smackerenas?

You'd say 50 for the pair?

MICK: Correct.

PAUL: Thank you very much, sir.

VO: Leaving 350 smackeroonos in hand.

MARGIE: Right!

What do you think?

PAUL: That was lovely.

MARGIE: Yeah, good.

(HONKS HORN) VO: Quite.

Now, let's catch up with Suki and Charles.

So over here, more silver.

Now, I quite like these.

SUKI: Oh!

CHARLES: Aren't they sweet?

They are gorgeous.

Just take one out if you can.

SUKI: There we go.

So they're little pencils?

CHARLES: Yes.

If you twist the ends...

Yes.

The lead comes up.

Look!

CHARLES: And the marks just on the collars.

England, sterling.

So they are solid silver.

And of course, you've got the club, the diamond, the heart, the spade on to reflect maybe, you know, a bridge marker...

They're sweet, aren't they?

SUKI: They are really lovely.

And have they all got lead in?

CHARLES: Yeah, have a look.

SUKI: Yes.

I'm finding this more exciting than I should!

VO: No price on those.

SUKI: They are beautiful.

And what period?

I would say these probably are 1930s.

SUKI: Oh, lovely!

CHARLES: Now, you've got the interest in playing card enthusiasts, there's collectors there.

They are solid silver.

Also, don't forget, there's lots of collectors of pens and pencils.

Yes.

CHARLES: What would you pay for them?

Probably between 30 and 50 would have been my thought.

SUKI: But... CHARLES: You're a cautious lady.

I actually am, yes!

CHARLES: I think these have opportunity.

VO: Gird your loins.

SUKI: Hello.

MICK: Hello.

Suki.

Nice to meet you.

And this is Charles.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Your name is...?

MICK: Mick.

CHARLES: Good to see you.

There's two items that we particularly like.

So there's the little bridge pencils.

He told me to not say things like they're gorgeous.

They're very nice.

They're alright.

How am I doing?

Yeah, they're OK. VO: Promising.

I'll tell you what we'll do, because I like you, 40 quid on the pencils.

Are you being serious?

And that's the death.

I like your beard as well...

Better than mine.

Shake his hand.

It is a very good deal.

We'll take the pencils!

SUKI: We'll take the pencils.

That's the pencils done.

So the other thing we like is the art nouveau picture frame in cabinet one.

How much was on it?

CHARLES: I think she was 85.

SUKI: Yeah.

85 quid.

Right.

We can get down to...70 quid.

That's only cuz I like you.

Right.

And if you didn't like me... MICK: (LAUGHS) But she's nicer.

CHARLES: Oh, right!

You look like Santa.

If I sat on your knee, I could ask for it for Christmas.

MICK: Listen, what I'll do for you as you're a special customer, I'll get in contact with the dealer and see what he says.

SUKI: Oh, yes.

MICK: How about that?

CHARLES: Good man... You're a good man.

MICK: Thank you, madam.

SUKI: Thank you.

VO: Yes, thanks.

MICK: They're interested in that little art nouveau photo frame in the cabinet.

It's down at 85.

I've got down to 70 with them.

She loves the frame, but she hates the price.

He's coming, he's coming.

Hi.

Yes, OK, I've just been on the phone.

Because he likes you a lot...60 quid.

That's brilliant.

I think we should take...

Yes.

VO: Making a nice round ton in total.

CHARLES: Give him £100 and let's run.

There's 100.

Thank you, Mick.

MICK: Thank you.

CHARLES: Come on.

Take care.

Thank you so much, Mick.

CHARLES: Right, come on.

SUKI: We did well, didn't we?

We've done really well.

VO: They did, too.

And let's now get out on to the road with Paul and Margie in the newly patched-up Cortina.

PAUL: Thank goodness we've got the car on the road again.

It's a woman's touch.

PAUL: Is it?

MARGIE: Yeah.

What the camera can't see is three blokes on roller skates pushing us all the way.

They're doing very well.

Yeah, they're not doing too badly, are they?

MARGIE: You've got a pretty stellar career, haven't you?

So how did it all kick off?

The very first thing I did was we wanted to go up to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, but when they sent us a lot of forms saying it'll cost you £800 to do this, £2,000 to do that... And within those was a piece of paper that said, 'Swansea Fringe Festival, £5 entry fee.'

So we went up to Swansea and we hired a church hall for 12 days.

So essentially getting 12 gigs in the space of a fortnight was a quick way to get yourself an introduction into what you were doing.

So what did your mum and dad say?

Oh, the first time I appeared on television, they then assumed I'd be on television every week.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) You'd made it.

But don't you get a bit disheartened if you have a bad night and you go off to the sound of your own feet?

Generally speaking, I never really had terrible gigs.

I think perhaps I bailed out a few times before it got terrible.

I'd sensed which way the wind was blowing and said, "Right, goodnight."

VO: It sounds like quite a few auctions I've experienced.

But let's find out how Merton and Cooper fare in only their second gig ever together, close to the Thames Estuary at Faversham... ..the likely 16th century birthplace of the notorious pirate, Jack Ward, at Aladdin's Loft, a former monks' granary.

MARGIE: Hit your head.

(LAUGHS) PAUL: Yes.

VO: Paul has managed to keep his powder pretty dry thus far, of course - Mind your head - having only parted with 50 of his £400.

PAUL: Alright.

Oh, OK.

This is a sort of early film camera.

MARGIE: So how would that work?

PAUL: Well, I used to have a cine camera when I was a kid, but nothing quite like this.

It's quite horrible plastic.

MARGIE: So you used to take cine when you were a little boy?

Yeah, I used to do sort of little cine films.

MARGIE: Ah.

PAUL: So it goes in there, it would be a reel of film.

In fact, I think this is a Standard 8... MARGIE: Yeah.

..rather than a Super 8.

I think it might be the one where you've got to then turn it over.

It's like a 50-foot of film, and after 25 feet, you've got to go somewhere very dark... You're joking.

..take it out and then turn it over.

Yeah.

VO: Originally called Cine Kodak 8, the format was launched in 1932.

MARGIE: What was yours?

PAUL: It was a nicer, heavier object than this.

It was only about 20 quid when I got it.

What does it say on this?

It's still got... PAUL: Still 20 quid.

MARGIE: Still 20 quid!

PAUL: It hasn't gone up.

MARGIE: That would be developed in a dark room.

You'd send it off to the chemist.

In all that liquid?

Yeah, yeah.

And you'd get it back a week later and see what you'd filmed.

VO: I think we'll "cut" there.

But wither our other expert and comic combo?

Elsewhere in Kent, close to the Pilgrim's Way.

CHARLES: And here's our shop... SUKI: Lovely.

CHARLES: An old timber-framed building.

VO: Our happy wanderers have arrived at Corner House Antiques... ..with £300 still in Suki's pocket.

CHARLES: Journals of the House of Lords, beginning with the reign of the first Elizabeth.

So that's 1558.

How far does it go?

I think it's end of King George II.

I think it's before 1760.

Look for a date...

There, 1606.

SUKI: So are they journaling laws that they've...?

They are.

Yes, look.

SUKI: Hm.

VO: Not exactly a page-turner.

CHARLES: Would you want to read this?

I don't think you could read this.

But I tell you what, rather than sleeping pills, just a, you know, brief section of this.

Exactly.

Shall we move on?

SUKI: (LAUGHS) Yeah.

VO: Oh, well, early days.

Ah, now, I think that's Murano.

I've always been drawn to Murano.

CHARLES: Actually, you're right - that color.

SUKI: Yes, I love the irregularity of that.

Yet that doesn't completely draw me.

CHARLES: No.

What draws you?

That, actually.

I think that is beautiful.

I just love the colors of that.

Pick it up.

See, you trust me more than I trust myself.

I trust you.

I trust you, partner.

SUKI: I get so nervous doing this.

CHARLES: If you were the archetypal antique specialist...

Yes.

CHARLES: Hello.

I brought this in.

Is it anything?

Well, of course it is.

Oh, thank you.

It was the pear bowl of Queen Anne.

VO: She's good.

Yes.

Er, she only ever ate circumference pears and she would eat them from this bowl.

VO: Ha!

What I like about it is this nice lustery finish.

CHARLES: I think it's '50s.

SUKI: Oh, do you?

CHARLES: Yeah, I do.

It's quite contemporary.

Yes...

I like the way the light creates lots of different colors.

Like a starling wing.

VO: Ticket price £35.

Give it a ring as well... (MIMICS RING) Oh, look, it does it on its own!

Ready...?

(DINGS BOWL) SUKI: Ah!

CHARLES: That's good.

CHARLES: So nice ring.

I like it.

No, I think that's a really good spot.

VO: Things are looking up in Lenham.

That's Lynne, by the way, looking down.

Ha!

CHARLES: You know, you never know where you'll see things.

Look down here... Do you like the seaside?

SUKI: I do like the seaside.

CHARLES: I'm hoping this... VO: Fish it out.

CHARLES: I quite like that.

What's it made of?

SUKI: Is it copper?

Yeah.

So the original color is copper, but over the years it hasn't been cleaned.

And this is just the patination.

The reason I like this, I think it's what we call Newlyn School.

So Newlyn is a small fishing port on the south coast and it was really popular with artisan craftsmen, who would beat into shape the local copper to sell to their local market, circa 1910.

And it's got a look about it.

It was all very fishy down there.

VO: Because of the uncertainty of employment in the fishing industry, some men retrained to work copper.

Can you see a fish in that?

Well...you could if you put a head there.

Yes.

It could be like...

The fact you were miming a fish helped.

I don't... (MIMICS FISH) I might...

I might call it a fish dish.

And I think that's lovely, you know.

And I was hoping because it's covered in cobwebs and, literally, behind the chimney stack... Hidden, yes.

..it might be a tenner, but, in fact, it is £45.

But look at that label!

It's been here a long time.

I really rate that.

I think that's worth between £70 and £100.

Yeah, I do.

VO: Time to talk to Lynne.

CHARLES: Hi.

LYNNE: Hello.

CHARLES: We've had a really lovely shop.

My friend Suki.

My friend Charles.

CHARLES: We've seen so much.

But there are two things that have caught our eye.

One is that beautiful blue bowl.

And the other, you spotted?

Yes, just in the chimney.

I think it'd perhaps been discarded...perhaps.

Was it hidden?

CHARLES: It was hidden out of sight.

And I just wondered, I think the tray was priced at... 45?

CHARLES: And the bowl, which you spotted... SUKI: And that was 35.

So we were wondering...

If we could possibly... Buy both of them together for... A discount.

Mm.

What about £65?

What about 60?

(SOFTLY) Go on, then.

SUKI: Yes!

CHARLES: Really?

Give us a hug, give us a hug.

CHARLES: That's very, very kind.

VO: Very.

35 for the tray and 25 for the bowl.

SUKI: Thank you, Lynne.

We need to go and pick 'em up then, don't we?

VO: 240 left.

Back to Faversham, where the loft is being thoroughly explored, and Katie, not Aladdin, grants wishes.

PAUL: Oh, what's that down there?

That's called an ammonite, which is a sort of ancient mollusk.

They're like thousands of years old.

VO: More like millions, Margie.

PAUL: Shall we have a look at that?

That certainly qualifies as an antique.

MARGIE: Yeah, definitely.

PAUL: Yeah.

So this is millions of years old.

MARGIE: Yeah.

What would that be used as - an ornament, a paperweight...?

I think just put them on a sideboard or a mantelpiece.

Interesting.

VO: More impressive would be the largest known species - parapuzosia seppenradensis.

No price on this tiddler, though.

PAUL: I don't know if it's singing to me.

Hang on.

(IN A SMALL VOICE) "Buy me.

Buy me, please."

PAUL: It is singing to me!

MARGIE: Is it?

PAUL: Still in tune after all these millennia.

Well, that's the oldest thing you've ever held in your hands.

PAUL: Really?

MARGIE: Yes.

Well, there was that fortnight in Blackpool I don't talk about.

VO: I think they might be about to shell out.

PAUL: Hi, Katie.

KATIE: Oh, hello.

We've found an item.

Yeah, we found this.

Millions of years old.

KATIE: Yes.

PAUL: What's the asking price?

KATIE: That's on at 65.

PAUL: Really?

Yes.

For something as old as that.

I mean, for something like 65, I'd expect it to be new, wouldn't you?

65...

So what would be your best?

So I...

The best we can do on that is 50.

So 45 would be alright, then?

KATIE: Hm... PAUL: Yeah.

It'll have to be 50.

I'll tell you what...£49.50.

KATIE: (INHALES SHARPLY) Alright, let's make it 50.

Let's make it 50, OK. VO: Leaving 300 in his pocket.

MARGIE: Bye.

Do you want to hold it?

Yeah.

I will hold it, yeah.

Thanks.

VO: Guaranteed to make you look youthful.

It's a bit windy today, so this is ballast.

VO: Now, time to get our couple of comedians back together in the motor.

SUKI: Were these Ford Cortinas used in any TV programs in the '60s?

Cuz I had images of us pretending to be Steed and Diana Rigg.

I wonder if it was a cool car back then.

VO: Sadly, less Emma Peel and more Carry On.

Now, just looking at the various controls here and we're running on coal.

SUKI: Coal?

PAUL: Coal.

I'll go and stoke it in a minute.

PAUL: I wish you would.

SUKI: (LAUGHS) VO: Nighty night.

VO: Next day, we've gone from dynamic duos to the Gang of Four.

I just hope the Cortina suspension can stand it.

Seatbelts in the back weren't mandatory then, of course.

What did you think of your first experience of looking round an antiques shop, did you enjoy it?

SUKI: I really enjoyed it.

PAUL: Did you?

CHARLES: Paul, did you feel you got lucky?

PAUL: I think I'd have had more luck if I'd looked in a skip.

I think it was a mixed bag for me.

Well, it is amazing what you can find in dumps and skips.

Indeed.

I'm hoping that might be my next stop.

Because if I can't find anything in there, there's a couple of things I could put in.

VO: Lordy!

I'm pretty sure he's joshing... ..having yesterday acquired three lots for a combined cost of just £100.

For that money, you could have bought Nicholas Parsons.

VO: While Suki was equally canny, spending 160 on her four items.

SUKI: You held it out, and a little sparrow takes its bath there.

VO: And it'll be interesting to compare and contrast the purchases they've made.

CHARLES: It's that time, OK?

PAUL: Yeah.

It's now the boot time... PAUL: Boot time!

CHARLES: ..of great reveal.

(CHANTS) Boot time, boot time... ALL: Boot time, boot time, boot time, boot time.

CHARLES: Weyhey!

There we are.

There we are.

VO: Suki and Charles bearing booty first.

SUKI: Look at these... MARGIE: Ah.

SUKI: Little pencils.

MARGIE: Ah, little pencils.

SUKI: For either playing bridge or writing a shopping list.

PAUL: Oh, right.

SUKI: Solid silver.

You've become expert, haven't you?

SUKI: I know.

PAUL: Wow, that's lovely!

SUKI: They're beautiful, aren't they?

SUKI: Isn't that pretty?

PAUL: Oh, it's a hat, isn't it?

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) SUKI: Yeah.

German helmet from the First World War?

SUKI: (LAUGHS) PAUL: Well, that's very nice.

CHARLES: We were obviously digging deep, and we found a chimney, and I found this.

What material's that made of, any ideas?

PAUL: No, no... SUKI: Flip it.

There we are.

It's copper.

I've got a feeling.

I've got a voice in my head just telling me it's copper.

Yes.

It's so naive, it's so charming.

Because I suspect, don't we?

It was made in... SUKI: Nunelan... Newlyn.

Newlyn.

Newlyn.

Newlyn?

CHARLES: Newlyn.

SUKI: Newlyn.

CHARLES: So we think Cornish copper from the mines, made locally by the fisher folk.

Now, it's interesting you use the word naive about it, because another word might be sort of, like... Boring.

Margie, I'll talk to you later.

VO: Now for Paul's little show-and-tell.

Now there we are.

What do you think of that as an object?

I actually really like that.

MARGIE: Go on, do it.

PAUL: It's a car horn.

SUKI: (GASPS) So this has a proper, nice, sort of Toad of Toad Hall noise.

Nice color, nice condition.

PAUL: Yes.

CHARLES: Collectable.

A bygone.

PAUL: That's good.

That sounds good.

And then we've got the ancient ammonite.

PAUL: Yes.

Now, that's heavy.

SUKI: How old is that?

PAUL: Well, it's millions of years old.

And if you look, you can see there is sort of little sort of... SUKI: Yes.

PAUL: ..flashes of sort of... SUKI: Silver.

Yeah.

CHARLES: And it cost you how much?

PAUL: Was it 50?

MARGIE: Mm.

CHARLES: Right, OK. SUKI: That's a good buy.

CHARLES: That was a good buy.

PAUL: Oh, was it?

They've been lulling us into a false sense of security.

Well, I think we've all done quite well.

Now, if I can get this spare tire out, we can offer this as well.

VO: Wait until you get to the auction, though, it might just come in.

MARGIE: Here we go!

CHARLES: Hooray!

ALL: (CHEER) VO: But right now, it's time to take a brief break from the shopping.

And being in the Garden of England, they've come to find out about an important period of agricultural history at a meeting of the local steam plow club, close to the village of Hadlow in the Medway Valley... ..where hops for the local breweries and fruit, of course, were traditionally the main crops.

And Duncan and Bill have a collection of the machines that long before AI were making workers very worried.

SUKI: So we're in this magnificent barn...

It is a magnificent barn, isn't it?

SUKI: And we're surrounded by these fabulous steam engines.

But I believe they are part of a very complex history.

DUNCAN: Well, yes, the engines that we've got behind us are typical when mechanization of farming with steam was really starting to gather pace, going from a community-based barter economy to a factory economy, where the workers were paid as employees as opposed to them producing for themselves.

What was life like for a laborer before the mechanization?

It was incredibly hard and the physical number of people that you'd have to have working on a farm from daybreak till sundown.

But if you imagine a steam plowing engine, once the engine's up and running in the morning, it's just feeding it water and coal and it will just continue without being exhausted all day long.

VO: The first steam engines began to appear in British fields around the middle of the 1800s.

But the so-called revolution of British agriculture had begun over a century before, with innovations like the seed drill, crop rotation and fertilizers.

Then came the brutal Enclosure Acts, which forced huge swathes of the rural population off the land.

DUNCAN: Before, a lot of land was deemed to be common, so everybody was able to manage their livelihood within the community.

Of course, once you started getting closure of the land, and there wasn't alternative employment, unlike up in the north, where you had cotton mills.

VO: So in 1830, the workers of Kent decided to attack some of the symbols of their plight, in the Swing Riots.

DUNCAN: They went on the march to destroy the machines that they believed were causing the problem.

So a lot of threshing machines were burned and pulled apart.

Why were they called the Swing Riots?

DUNCAN: The letters that were written to government and to the landowners of the day were signed by Captain Swing, a fictitious character, who got his name because of the swing of the scythe.

SUKI: So what happened during the protests?

It started in East Kent and caught on, and that became a pattern that spread across the south, and then north.

It was very much targeted at the machinery... SUKI: Yes.

DUNCAN: ..and not the people.

VO: Like Dorset's Tolpuddle Martyrs a few years later, the protesters' principal aim was to achieve a living wage, something which was promised and then largely reneged upon.

They were also punished extremely harshly.

What happened to the protesters?

BILL: A great number were incarcerated.

Some were sentenced to death.

You've got probably in excess of 500 shipped off to Australia.

Right.

Uh-huh... Wow.

MARGIE: One, two, three... (TOOTS WHISTLE) Oh, that gets your ears!

VO: Of course, the revolutionary steam power that took away so many jobs in the 19th century went the way of the horse during the 20th.

Although, thankfully, they're still around as well.

CHARLES: So, Ray, who have we got here?

This is Arthur, and he's a purebred Shire horse.

And that's Alfie - his brother is there.

It won't be long before there are more giant pandas than there are Shire horses now.

SUKI: Really?

RAY: Yeah.

RAY: Arthur is 18, three hands and Alfie's a little bit bigger.

He's 19, one.

And very solid, aren't they?

Very solid.

SUKI: Yes.

CHARLES: Like you and I - solid.

SUKI: Exactly.

CHARLES: And good to plow.

VO: These days, tilling with horses is only the preserve of hobbyists.

Likewise, the use of two steam traction engines, a steel cable and a winch.

PAUL: Wow.

It really is sort of plowing the earth, isn't it?

It's doing a good job there.

VO: But no longer progress.

We already regard the internal combustion engine in much the same light.

BILL: Certainly beats having to walk behind a horse all day, doesn't it?

PAUL: The view is better.

BILL: (LAUGHS) Certainly!

VO: Now, we'll get on with the shopping part of the Road Trip experience, as our merry band make their way towards one last antiquery.

CHARLES: Suki, driving this Cortina from 1964, how does it compare to the happy motorhome?

Well, the steering is very different because you've got to really turn the wheel more.

And also, our trusty motorhome has yet to break down.

CHARLES: Oh, really?

Oh, gosh.

SUKI: That's another difference.

VO: Steady on.

This one's only had one mishap so far, which isn't bad, actually.

So how much have you spent, you two?

We have been quite discerning.

And we did very good negotiating.

PAUL: Did you?

SUKI: Yeah.

VO: Mutual, I'd say, because Suki still has 240 and Paul 300 - pounds that is - to spend in the town of Snodland, also the title of a song by Kent prog rockers Soft Machine.

It's in here, look.

Here we are.

Quick, come on!

SUKI: We're getting in first, before them.

Beating them.

That's a perfectly natural way of walking into a shop, isn't it?

VO: He's just very excited.

And who wouldn't be?

Because the goods of over 20 dealers get an airing in this former art deco cinema.

There's so much stuff, isn't there?

Just what takes your fancy?

What has a bit of history?

SUKI: (GASPS) See this?

CHARLES: Er... SUKI: I went to Churchill School.

CHARLES: Are you being serious?

Yeah.

I was born and brought up in Kent.

That is from my school.

CHARLES: That's amazing.

SUKI: And I was in Marlow House.

CHARLES: Were you?

It's slightly beaten up, isn't it?

(LAUGHS) I don't know how to process this one.

CHARLES: When were you here at school?

SUKI: Oh... CHARLES: Look at me.

A long while ago.

VO: Charles, call yourself a gentleman?

What about Team Merton?

MARGIE: Eyes peeled.

Yes.

Well, that looks like a nice thing there.

PAUL: This...harmonica holder.

MARGIE: It is, yeah.

It's a dressing table tidy.

Is it?

Yeah.

You put your hairpins and things.

PAUL: Right.

OK. MARGIE: Yeah.

VO: No ticket price.

MARGIE: Go round there.

PAUL: Uh-huh.

No chips.

PAUL: No, it's good condition.

No holes.

Because when you clean that...

Yes.

MARGIE: ..in the end, it goes through after a while.

See if there's any hallmarks anywhere.

It's Victoria's head.

I haven't got my book with me, but it's young.

Her bun slips down a bit as the years go by.

Yeah, well, it happens to us all, doesn't it?

My bun slipped years ago.

Now it's more of a bap.

Yeah, mine's settled.

Has it settled?

You're lucky.

MARGIE: This has been tucked away for the last 140 years, so I reckon we could have a go at that.

So if you stick it in your pocket.

Yeah.

And while we're going downstairs, don't fall.

PAUL: No, I won't.

I'll try not to.

You'll break it.

Not bothered about your ankle or your leg.

VO: Charming, Margie.

SUKI: (GASPS) CHARLES: Doll's house.

SUKI: Doll's house.

CHARLES: Look at that.

CHARLES: Oh, wow.

Look!

SUKI: Look at that!

CHARLES: So you've got the old-fashioned interior upstairs.

Your dressing table, your wardrobe, all matching.

Isn't that lovely?

And this side... SUKI: Yeah... CHARLES: Look!

SUKI: Oh, your dining table.

CHARLES: That's right.

Nice wallpaper, isn't it?

SUKI: Yeah, that's beautiful... CHARLES: Do you like it?

There's just something so romantic about a doll's house.

VO: Those two seem to have come over a bit light-headed today.

In style, it must be sort of mid-19th century, and obviously it's 20th century, but it's a big doll's house for your money.

SUKI: It's a big doll's house.

CHARLES: I suspect it's going to be something like 250.

But if it was under, let's say, £100, it could be something you could possibly buy and make a fair return on.

But I can't see a price.

Mental note.

OK, on we go.

VO: They could probably afford it... (BLOWS HORN) VO: ..as could Paul.

Plenty of brass left to spend.

A mighty £300, in fact... Rather nice.

VO: ..with just the one wee item in reserve.

Can't see Margie or Paul anywhere.

I think they may have gone upstairs.

OK. Do you know, what often sells well at auction is the teddy bear.

There's one here that actually captures my eye.

OK?

If I said to you, which teddy bear is drawing an eye to me... SUKI: It's got to be this one.

CHARLES: Yes, you're right!

CHARLES: Look at him.

SUKI: Yeah.

CHARLES: Look at that face.

SUKI: He's clearly got some age.

CHARLES: He has.

If you just give him a squeeze...

..I'm fairly sure he's straw-filled.

Yes.

And if you look at the back of him as well, you'll see... CHARLES: ..the original color.

SUKI: Oh, a different color.

So that there is the original honeycomb plush fur of this bear.

SUKI: Yes.

CHARLES: (IMITATES TEDDY) Hello.

SUKI: Hello!

CHARLES: Hello.

It's Albert.

Shall we call him Albert?

Yeah!

VO: Ticket price £45.

I reckon he would date to - how early are you?

You're going to whisper, go on.

Whisper.

Did you get that?

How early?

I didn't hear it.

CHARLES: I would say he's definitely pre-1930.

The eyes may be later, but you can just see he's got so much nice wear.

But not wear which is detrimental, which you might call damage.

It's just loved wear.

And people collect teddies...?

They do.

Teddy bears are a really important area of toy collecting.

I'm fairly sure he's an English-made bear and could be a Chiltern bear of the 1920s, if not slightly earlier.

SUKI: But would his condition be a plus or a minus?

I think a plus.

And I think, you know, he might need a new home.

Yes.

Do you want to come shopping with us?

CHARLES: Yeah.

Albert, come on.

Albert and Suki, let's go this way.

SUKI: (SWEETLY) Yes... VO: Time to meet that nice Debbie.

CHARLES: Hi.

SUKI: Hello.

DEBBIE: Hello.

CHARLES: How are you doing?

So we found a friend... Aw.

..priced at £45.

Best on that would be 35.

I think Albert deserves 35.

I kind of, normally, I'd be saying, "Could you go lower?"

But I'm happy with the 35.

So we'll take him.

VO: Super.

Pay the lady, Albert.

Bye bye, Albert.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

SUKI: (LAUGHS) CHARLES: Bye.

VO: 205 left over, which just leaves Paul.

Maybe not.

He has spotted this dressing table tidy today, though.

This looks quite interesting.

PAUL: What's that?

A cribbage board?

MARGIE: Yeah, a cribbage board.

That is Tunbridge ware.

It's a really clever technique, that.

PAUL: Mm-hm.

But if you can imagine all little bits of wood, all standing up like that, and it's giftware from Tunbridge Wells.

PAUL: Let's have a look.

But it's not very old.

Can you see?

PAUL: Right.

OK. VO: Any more for the Crib enthusiast?

MARGIE: Now, this looks interesting.

Now that's a bit older, and this is rather nice work round the edges.

PAUL: Hm.

Mm, nice weight.

MARGIE: It is a nice weight.

PAUL: So what's the price on that...?

Says 85.

MARGIE: Yeah.

PAUL: 19th century inlaid.

MARGIE: That's got age.

PAUL: That's a masonic symbol?

MARGIE: Yeah.

VO: So it might appeal to at least two types of collectors.

Have you ever played?

I haven't.

No, I wouldn't know how... MARGIE: Too young, aren't we?

PAUL: We are too young.

I'm not normally allowed out at this time of night.

Shall we see if we can find out what the best price would be on that?

MARGIE: (SIGHS) Yeah.

It's never low enough, is it?

Yeah... VO: Well, that all depends on Deb.

PAUL: Hello, there.

DEBBIE: Hello.

We've found a couple of items here which we're keen on.

There's this cribbage board.

OK. PAUL: What would be your best price on that?

DEBBIE: On that... (SIGHS) ..65?

60?

Try 60?

Would 60 be good?

If we buy that as well.

60 we could do on that one.

60 on that.

OK, that's good.

Alright.

And what was that one?

Well, it hasn't got a price on it.

I think it was ticketed at 48?

MARGIE: Yeah.

PAUL: 30?

I can see the look in your eye that says you want to say yes.

DEBBIE: Yes.

PAUL: 30 and 60, that's 90.

Yeah.

PAUL: OK, that's a deal.

Lovely.

Thank you very much.

VO: 210 left over.

PAUL: Lovely.

Thanks a lot.

MARGIE: Bye.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Nice doing business with you.

VO: And all shopping completed, we say goodbye to the land of Snod and get set for the saleroom.

CHARLES: Well, team, we are all shopped out.

It's now the emerging auction fever.

Ah-ha-ha!

How do we know when we get auction fever?

Er, because objects make a profit and hopefully we can all feel that fever.

Yeah, well, I'm looking forward to it.

SUKI: Brilliant.

CHARLES: Feeling confident, guys in front?

I'm really happy with our lots.

VO: Calm down, everyone.

Shuteye first.

VO: Welcome to Windsor!

Noted for knots, also merry wives and soup.

Ha!

Not to mention Windsor Auctions, selling in the room, on the net and on the phone with Harry Ballin doing the gaveling.

And I'm selling for £130.

VO: After covering Kent in pursuit of profit, they've traveled up the Thames... ..to rendezvous with Charles and Margie.

SUKI: Hello!

CHARLES: How are you?

Just in the nick of time.

CHARLES: Are you all set?

PAUL: Yeah, looking forward to it.

CHARLES: Yeah, really good.

Just a bit nervous, really.

PAUL: Yes, no, don't be nervous.

CHARLES: No.

Follow me.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) VO: Paul parted with £190 for his five auction lots.

So what does Harry think is hot?

HARRY: The ammonite - it's going to be popular.

We've had lots of inquiries about it.

People like it.

It's decorative and the collectors will enjoy it.

VO: Suki splashed out 195, also on five lots.

HARRY: My favorite lot is the teddy bear.

Fantastic little face, great little paws and he's wearing such a lovely little bow or neckerchief.

Love him!

VO: Ready, Teddy?

Ha!

Oh, here they go.

Looking suitably excited for what promises to be quite an occasion... ..starting off with Suki's bear.

Lot number 45.

Yay, yay!

HARRY: He's got a lovely little face.

SUKI: Can we model him?

SIMON: You can do whatever you like.

Model away.

VO: Ha ha!

HARRY: Professionally portered - well, we say "professionally".

1920s, his name's Albert.

HARRY: We're looking for £40 for the bear.

HARRY: £40 in the room!

CHARLES: Thank you very much!

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) SUKI: I love you!

£40 I have.

£40 I have in the room and I'm looking for 42.

A free hug?

A free hug.

It's a maiden bid - nobody wants to take it.

Oh, here, here... VO: Well done, Charles!

HARRY: 45, madam?

45, I have.

48?

It's against you, seated, 48.

50?

It's a shake of the head.

CHARLES: 1920s, beautiful.

HARRY: I have £48 for the teddy bear.

SUKI: He's worth it, isn't he?

HARRY: I'm selling that way.

(GAVEL) It's yours at 48, madam.

SUKI: Thank you very much.

VO: Suki's as good as her word, and little Albert gets us off to a great start.

PAUL: You sold yourself there for a bear.

Don't care!

VO: Chelsea, now - one of Paul's favorite buys.

CHARLES: Very nice.

MARGIE: Very nice.

Very nice... SUKI: We think this is classy.

CHARLES: That's right.

HARRY: £50 I'm looking for.

£50 I have!

SUKI: Yay!

VO: He's on his feet.

CHARLES: What a start.

HARRY: 50 bid, yeah... (LAUGHTER) £50 I have, and I'm looking for 55.

VO: Crikey.

HARRY: (LAUGHS) £50 I have.

And I'm looking for... That's got to be worth a fiver.

That's got to be a fiver!

It's dropped to 45 since he's done that!

(LAUGHTER) Look at this.

There's only one of these left in the world.

HARRY: I'm sell...

I'm selling, therefore, online at £50, even though it's beautifully portered... HARRY: Sold for £50.

MARGIE: Oh, well done... VO: Paul has just redefined the art of portering.

I'm taking my trousers off for the next one.

VO: More sauce - ha!

- Suki's frame and photo.

We really rate this picture frame, don't we?

SUKI: Yes.

CHARLES: Why do we rate it?

Because it's beautiful.

Yeah.

And because it's old and has a cheeky lady.

Exactly.

Cheeky lady... And cheeky ladies always do well at auction.

CHARLES & SUKI: Exactly.

Start the bidding at £40.

£40... CHARLES: Come on.

SUKI: Come on.

£40... PAUL: I wouldn't give you a fiver for it.

SUKI: Shush!

HARRY: £40 I have online.

SUKI: Yes!

Come on, come on.

SIMON: AT £40 online.

42, now, we're bid.

At 42.

SUKI: It's easy work, go on.

SIMON: We're looking for 45... SUKI: Do the cheeky pose, do the cheeky pose.

VO: He did.

I think they've just withdrawn their bid.

The internet's in meltdown as a result of that.

£48 I have, and I'm looking for... CHARLES: Oh, come on.

SUKI: Come on.

£48 I have and I'm looking for 50.

50 now in the room.

SUKI: Yay!

Yes, come on.

MARGIE: No!

HARRY: £50 I have, and I'm looking for 55.

The internet's quiet.

It's in the room at £50... Sold.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) PAUL: Oh dear.

VO: All that effort may just have spared them.

So we lost a tenner.

We lost a tenner.

Doesn't matter.

SUKI & CHARLES: Doesn't matter.

VO: Honkytonk time - Paul's motor horn.

Do you think the honk is the same as it was all those years ago?

Yes, it is, Charles Hanson.

CHARLES: OK.

He's trying to knock our honk.

CHARLES: Get out of here!

I don't know how well this is gonna do.

CHARLES: I can see a profit.

PAUL: Really?

I think if Paul can play a tune with it, as well.

When it's sold, give us a tune, Paul.

PAUL: OK. Alright.

HARRY: Hoot, in working order.

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) PAUL: A musical instrument that anybody can play.

(HONKS HORN) (LAUGHTER) Beautifully done.

VO: A masterclass.

HARRY: Starting the bidding with me at £20.

CHARLES: He's away.

HARRY: £20 I have... HARRY: ..and I'm looking for 22.

Commission bid, 22 now.

No.

You're not allowed.

No, you're not allowed!

PAUL: But I want it.

HARRY: 22 I have to my right.

I'm looking for 25 and I'm selling for £22... MARGIE: Oh, no... HARRY: It's yours.

PAUL: Well done.

CHARLES: That was a bargain.

That really was.

Well done, sir.

CHARLES: Thanks for coming.

MARGIE: It was a bargain...

Thanks for coming!

VO: The horn did not make plenty.

That could have been worse.

Yeah, yeah.

VO: Suki's silver pencils for bridge or just about anything.

You could use them for shopping lists, our pencils.

Exactly.

You could use them for love notes.

Exactly.

Only cost, how much was it?

SUKI: 40, I think?

CHARLES: £40.

PAUL: £40, oh, that's... MARGIE: A tenner each.

A bargain.

Art deco and enamel bridge pencil... SUKI: These are very good!

MARGIE: These look very good.

I think these are good.

Start the bidding at £30.

£30 I'm looking for... SIMON: 60 we're bid online.

Yay!

SUKI: Come on, online.

SIMON: 65 we're looking... That's a full house.

Shake of the head.

Really?

HARRY: £60 I have and I'm looking for 65.

SUKI: ..any profit?

CHARLES: Go on.

HARRY: £60 I have... SIMON: 65 we're now bid.

CHARLES: Good man.

SUKI: Yes, yes.

SIMON: At 65, we're looking for 70.

At 65, looking for 70.

SUKI: Come on, 70.

SIMON: 65.

CHARLES: Go on.

SUKI: Come on, 70.

70 now.

MARGIE: Yay!

SUKI: Yes!

HARRY: 70 in the room and I'm looking for 75.

HARRY: £70... SIMON: 75 online.

SIMON: 80.

SUKI: Yes, yes, yes.

SIMON: 80, madam, 80 we're bid in the room.

CHARLES: Yes!

SUKI: Yes!

MARGIE: You've doubled your money.

That's brilliant.

In the room at £80... Bid's in the room.... SUKI: Yes!

MARGIE: Well done.

SUKI: Yes, thank you.

VO: She's doubled the money with those.

SIMON: 242, thank you.

HARRY: Thank you very much.

SUKI: Well done, 242!

WOMAN: (SHOUTS) Thank you!

VO: Ha ha, more card-related stuff - Paul's cribbage board.

Are we a bit worried about this?

The cribbage board?

I don't know... PAUL: I mean, I've no idea.

MARGIE: I love it.

It's got the masonic insignia.

That makes it more valuable?

It does, a little bit.

And we're looking for £50.

£50 we're looking for.

MARGIE: Oh, come on.

HARRY: £50 we're looking for.

MARGIE: Oh, come on.

PAUL: No... HARRY: OK, we're now looking for £30.

SUKI: That's a bargain at that.

MARGIE: It is a bargain.

HARRY: £30 we're looking for.

CHARLES: Take a tenner.

HARRY: (LAUGHS) £20.

MARGIE: Damn it.

SUKI: Oh, come on.

MARGIE: Oh, come on.

SIMON: £20 we're bid.

CHARLES: Well done, you're in.

HARRY: £20 we finally have, online.

£20 I have, and I'm looking for 22.

£20 I have, and I'm looking for 22.

But I'm selling online... 22 now in the room.

SUKI: Yeah.

MARGIE: It's really nice!

HARRY: £22 I have, and I'm looking for 25.

22 I have and I'm looking for 25.

But I'm selling your way, sir, at £22... MARGIE: 22... (GROANS) We've lost 38.

PAUL: It doesn't matter.

MARGIE: Sorry, mate.

VO: That's pegged them back a bit.

MARGIE: That's annoying.

CHARLES: How are you feeling?

MARGIE: I'm very annoyed.

CHARLES: How are you feeling?

Stop smiling!

VO: Next up, Paul's silver-topped dressing table accoutrement.

Oh, look at that.

Wow.

Wow!

Go on, Margie, Margie, model.

Model, Margie.

MARGIE: No, I can't, I'm shy.

SUKI: Come on, Margie!

Looking for £30.

CHARLES: Come on.

SUKI: Yes, yes.

Well done, yeah.

Excellent.

SIMON: Straight in at £30.

HARRY: 32 to my left.

SUKI: Yeah.

35 online.

38, sir.

40.

42, sir.

They're winning.

Margie, well played.

Yeah, it was a nice one.

SIMON: 42 seated.

45 online.

48... PAUL: It's got to be worth 47.

MARGIE: It is.

MARGIE: Such a nice one.

PAUL: It's worth 47.

48 we're looking for.

PAUL: It's worth 48 as well.

SIMON: Absolutely.

Couldn't agree more, sir.

Couldn't agree more.

45 we're bid.

Online at £45.

We're looking for 48 elsewhere.

If not... 48, new bidder.

CHARLES: Well done, Margie.

Well done, Paul.

SIMON: 50 online.

And 55, madam.

You'll regret it if you don't.

SIMON: 55, madam.

60.

SUKI: Come on.

And 65, madam.

One more, 65.

MARGIE: It was top-notch.

SIMON: £60 online.

SIMON: Don't give up now, madam.

PAUL: It's a lovely item.

You suddenly like it.

I like...

I used to think it was rubbish, but now I like it.

Fair warning to you all at £60 online, and we're selling that way... VO: Nicely spotted, Margie.

MARGIE: That was a good one.

CHARLES: Well played, Paul.

SUKI: Well done.

VO: Now for the Newlyn that Charles sniffed out.

You were genuinely excited by this one, weren't you?

Yeah.

Because we smelled the fish.

We smelled the fish.

PAUL: You smelled fish?

CHARLES: We smelled fish.

If you smell the fish, you can smell the fish.

CHARLES: It does, yeah.

SUKI: Yeah.

It's got a hint of Newlyn school arts and crafts copper... And also a hint of haddock.

A hint of haddock, yeah.

Hand embossed planished oval fish dish circa 1910.

1910?

That's old.

HARRY: £40.

SUKI: Oh, Paul, thank you.

That's what it looks like in real life.

MARGIE: It's lovely.

SIMON: 42 now.

HARRY: It's 42 online... SIMON: 45 now.

SUKI: Come on.

SIMON: 48.

CHARLES: Go on.

Erm... SUKI: Yes!

MARGIE: Aye aye?

Oh, good, the internet's broken down.

We've broken the internet.

£50 we're bid.

£50 we're bid.

PAUL: Oh, you've got 50.

SUKI: Yes.

HARRY: 55 in the room now.

SUKI: Yes.

CHARLES: Serious interest.

Back to the room.

It's 55 here and I'm looking for 60.

It's got an edge like a Cornish pasty.

Who doesn't love a pasty?

MARGIE: (LAUGHS) I mean, that said it all, really.

So it's selling in the middle of the room at £55... CHARLES: Yes.

MARGIE: Well done.

MARGIE: 20 quid.

CHARLES: That's not bad, is it?

VO: Suitable for fish or giant pasties.

They paid 85p for it.

(LAUGHTER) VO: Paul's last lot - the ammonite.

How will you show an ammonite?

How will you show it?

PAUL: I won't.

CHARLES: Why not?

Because I'm not desperate...

Unlike some of us.

SUKI: I saw that off-the-shoulder look.

£70 I'm after.

£70.

Oh, yes, there we are.

It's not a reproduction.

SIMON: 75.

MARGIE: No, it's a real one.

SIMON: 80.

85.

90.

HARRY: Hotly contested online.

CHARLES: Slow down.

MARGIE: Oh, here we go.

SIMON: At 100 we have.

You've got it.

HARRY: Any further interest in the room?

It's a lovely item, this.

Million years old, million years old, oldest thing in the room.

HARRY: Just.

SIMON: Possibly.

SIMON: Maybe.

Not counting the auctioneers.

Selling for £100... PAUL: Worth every penny.

MARGIE: Well done... SUKI: Well done!

MARGIE: We're doing alright.

VO: Oh, yes.

More doubling of money.

Personally, I wouldn't give it house room.

Why not?

It's a great big lump of stone, innit?

VO: Suki brings things to a close with the glass bowl she found.

Can you see the luster, Paul?

The luster on the bowl?

Is it plastic?

No...

It's Queen Anne.

PAUL: Queen Anne?

SUKI: Yeah.

So what vintage would that be?

She kept her pears in it, didn't she?

That's right, she did, she did.

Art deco lustered glass bowl, in abstract, 1920s style.

SUKI: Isn't that genuinely pretty?

Again, being portered at the front.

SUKI: Yes.

HARRY: There we go.

SUKI: Oh, do you need to see down there?

Start the bidding at £50 with me on the book, and I'm looking for 55.

PAUL: Oh, well done.

SIMON: 55.

SUKI: 55.

Come on, 55.

How many Jelly Babies are you throwing in, Harry?

Well, packets full.

SUKI: Packets of Jelly Babies free with this bid.

HARRY: £55... How is this costing me money?

£55 I have, and I'm looking for 60.

60 we're now bid.

On the phone, 65.

There's a phone bid!

There's a phone bid!

SIMON: Sarah, on your phone at £70.

And 75 online.

80 on your phone, please, Sarah.

CHARLES: Hello!

We're live in the Big Apple!

SIMON: No?

OK.

Your phone's out.

We're online at £75.

SIMON: We're looking for 80... SUKI: Can they see it?

Not down the phone, they can't, no.

(LAUGHTER) SUKI: I'm working for nothing!

SIMON: We're at £75.

Beautifully portered.

At £75, and we're selling that way.

Fair warning... SUKI: Yes!

CHARLES: Well played.

SUKI: Come on.

CHARLES: Brilliant.

VO: Quite a way to end proceedings, eh?

With yet another huge return.

I wonder who's won.

I think that you've just nailed it.

CHARLES: I think it's close.

MARGIE: I think it's the bowl.

Shall we go for a wander outside?

PAUL: Yes, OK. CHARLES: Divvy it all up.

CHARLES: Well played.

PAUL: Alright, then.

VO: What an auction that was, with both of our celebrities making profits.

Paul, after auction costs, ended up with £418.28.

While Suki, also after costs, had a final total of £457.56.

So she is our winner.

And all those profits go to Children In Need.

Well, I think that was pretty good.

I enjoyed that.

Yes.

Yeah, it was good.

SUKI: That was great fun, wasn't it?

And we all made some money.

PAUL: Exactly.

It was very good.

MARGIE: Just pinched it... ..haven't you?

MARGIE: Well done.

SUKI & CHARLES: Yes!

Yes, but we kept our dignity, didn't we?

We did.

You can't put a... You can't put a price on dignity.

We like to show things, don't we?

We like to, you know, really bring it home.

MARGIE: You milked it, the pair of you.

MARGIE: Nice to meet you... PAUL: Yes, lovely to meet you.

..thank you very much indeed.

Thank you, winner.

Oh, yes!

SUKI: Yes!

CHARLES: Fantastic.

CHARLES: Until next time, yes.

MARGIE: Farewell.

Well, that was unbearable.

VO: He doesn't mean it...

I think.

I was really pleased with the little figurine, cuz I saw that, and it just leapt out at me.

PAUL: I was pleased with that.

SUKI: Yes.

That's something I would have bought myself.

SUKI: I was pleased with our bowl, and I saw that.

PAUL: Did you?

SUKI: It was the winning bowl.

Yeah.

No, it's...it's not very nice to keep going on about winning.

Yeah, I know.

And I won and I made a bit more profit than you.

And it was my bowl.

Look at that.

No, no, no, no!

No, no!

VO: Steady!

PAUL: This is BBC Two!

SUKI: (LAUGHS) I don't care!

PAUL: Behave, woman!

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